Sometimes I wake up in the middle of night with a racing mind. It’s only started happening recently. I woke up last night and this is the result.
Gatsby, with Leonardo DiCaprio, is one of my favorite movies. It takes place in my favorite era in one of my favorite cities in the US. But more, the older I get the more I can relate to Gatsby.
Jay and I both want a lot out of life. He had the massive house in West Egg, the fast cars, and more money than he really knew what to do with; something most evident in the orange juice scene.
He threw parties, hundreds came. His house was never empty. It was full of life and, one would falsely assume, happiness. I don’t think Jay was unhappy at the end of the day; he was trying to fill the hole left by the loss he experienced years before.
Like Gatsby, I’ve made a nice life for myself. I have an established career, a nice house, a nice car, and most recently my own plane. I’ve been able to save a decent amount of money and continue to do so. I don’t live quite as lavishly as Gatsby, but I’m comfortable. Occasionally we have parties.
I think Gatsby and I are both, at some level, greedy. I don’t mean to be, and I don’t think he necessarily intended it either. He had great aspirations and let nothing get in his way. I don’t think anyone means to be greedy, it just happens.
Across the bay from Gatsby’s house was a seemingly innocent dock with a pulsing green light on the end.
The light’s true purpose was to identify the end of the dock so passing boats wouldn’t hit it. The color green was probably chosen because of its ability to pierce through the fog. The light meant so much more to Jay. What was beyond that light was number one on the list of things Jay wanted to acquire. He wanted her. Daisy. They had met somewhat on accident, fallen in love, and when he had to go fight in the war he lost her. Everything he did after the war and losing her, his whole career, building the house, throwing the wildest parties in New York, was an attempt to get her into his house. He was confident once she walked in that front door she’d never walk back out. Had I written the story and not Fitzgerald, that’s how it would’ve ended: the last scene would’ve had the two of them on Jay’s dock watching the green light flash for the last time. That ending, as idealistic and romantic as it may be, isn’t possible. Fitzgerald knew this.
I often wonder if I do things for the same reason. I think a lot of us have our own Daisy and maybe we subconsciously do the things we do to impress them or attract them or show them what we’ve accomplished. I probably do this through Instagram even though it’s not always my intent.
I have a Daisy. I’ve never admitted that to anyone, and I can’t. Even writing it down is somewhat of a terrifying thing. I think it’s one of the reasons I like the movie so much. I think a lot of guys have their own Daisy, and sometimes we wonder if we hadn’t been such stupid teenagers what our present would look like. I know for a fact I could’ve changed everything on one memorable afternoon. I even had the thought then to do it. I vividly remember thinking “I should send her an IM and agree to just be friends like she’s said”, but I just…didn’t. It was such a great day too; one of my favorite memories. We cuddled on the couch and watched a movie and hugged and held and I’ll never forget it. The love I had, we had, was so real, so tangible. Everyone knew it. Everyone saw it. It could’ve been the best friends turned adorable couple story. I loved her so hard. I could’ve prevented so much pain. I could’ve not hurt her the way I did. I’ve hated myself for making that decision ever since. It’s been 15 years and I still don’t know why I did what I did other than that I wanted it all.
We haven’t spoken in a long time. We have separate lives and friends and spouses almost a thousand miles a part and I wonder if they ever think of me because I can’t get them out of my head.
I believe some people will come into your life, like Daisy in Jay’s, and you will love them so hard that even when the relationship with them fades or ends or whatever happens, there will still be a place in your heart for them. That place inside may shrink, it may grow, but it will never go away.
The one difference in Jay and I is that he believes you can re-live the past. I know the truth to be the opposite.
Where Jay longed for what was beyond his green light, I don’t know what my green light is. I don’t know if I truly long for what’s beyond it. Going past the light, for me, would mean throwing so much away and causing even more pain than I caused 15 years ago. The ripple effect now is so much greater.
Where Gatsby went beyond the end of dock and past the green light and tasted that which he could not keep, I must stay on this side of it and be left to wonder what could have been.
Gatsby Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter. Tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther…And one fine morning So we beat on, Boats against the current, Borne back ceaselessly into the past.
– Nick Carraway